In one month i have walked through a raging hurricane and back, out of control, spinning madly, tearing all of my clothes of and leaving me chilled to the bone,.. a shattered mess. My house in the sky like on the Wizard of Oz, and me trying to figure out this so called place called HOME, that I am sure I never knew.
One month since the last time I wrote a blog, I feel like I have been sent to the army, been trained up, went to war, saved a life, won a medal and graduated to my next position. I don't quite know that I am ready or able or equipped to move forward,... but I am going.
Boundaries!!! Feels like the WORD du jour! Here I am, challenged to make my life look different. Having gone through a shattered relationship has been the mirror to me of who I am, and who I can no longer be. Not because I am bad, or wrong or someone to be ashamed of,... but because there is a better me and a happier me waiting to experience life. Real Life. True Living.
For years upon years, I have built defenses and walls and reactions to survive the hurricanes of life, the moments the scare me, the things that make no sense and make me feel vulnerable. I've lived in a way that has exhausted me, chasing an endless rainbow and never reaching the pot of gold.
Codependency seems an embarrassing character flaw to admit to.,,. but the average person sitting in the bus next to us, is probably struggling too with the same fears, anxieties and habits, and likely not paying attention to or judging us, but living in his own world of self loathing and judgement... Its an ugly and deceiving path to walk, and clearly cannot give us the end result were are looking for,.. all these 34 years are proof of that.
Here I stand, on January 9th, 2011! (well I'm actually sitting)... Anyways, I want to commit this to be a year of self discovery and growth. Walking away from old survival modes, that DO NOT WORK! -- Its time to create and learn how to really live, to be free and to find and love ME.
