Boundaries~

I have been reading this book about boundaries and the need for them in our lives and how the cause and effect of our childhood, either nurtures or shatters our ability to enforce them in our present adult lives.

Looking back on my childhood, I am beginning to see that these lessons were never taught. I was a lone ranger on my own, left out to meet the bears and wolves on my own and befriend them. A mother who abandoned, because of fear, and pain and self loathing depression and a father who did the same, in a different way, but treated his first born son like the heir to his masculine throne.

With no one protecting, rabid animals had easy prey and silently and secretively stole what wasn't theirs, like rabbits in a farmers field.

I have lived a boundaryless life, and have been fighting so hard and trying so hard to keep people loving me. I am exhausted now though,. it is time to live again. It feels like learning to breathe differently, and walk differently,.. and essentially, it is.

Irony

I know that as soon as I put it out into the universe, the question of why people in society see the glass half empty, and why people choose pain over love and life, that I will for sure be tested in my own life. Here it is. I am sitting in a moment of sadness, pain and self loathing. Ok maybe not self loathing. Self pity may describe it better. I recognize what it is, but feel pain nonetheless. My whole life has been filled with a feeling of not being good enough. Craving for attention. Screaming to be seen.
I had a mother who chose depression over loving me, and a father who chose his son. I have tried and tried and tried my whole life to add up, to just be that person worth loving, worth adoring, worth fighting for.

I know I have developed codependent relationships in which I do and do and do, so much so that I wear myself out, and feel I end up at the short end of the stick. I end up, unloved, uncared for and abandoned.
I am confronted with myself, and trying to make my needs known. I have been given an outlet in which I can create, and use my creativity for healing, but this one topic is one that seems like a broken record. I have a headache from walking in to the same wall, over and over and over.
I have heard the word 'boundaries' for years, but have yet to apply it to my life. I often feel trapped inside myself and the lonely little girl inside me. I am unsure what it is that I do, to push away the people in my life and cause them to be selfish and self serving and in turn reject me, but there MUST be something I can do to change this.

I am the QUEEN of searching my soul, and desiring change, and wanting a more fulfilled life and happiness,.. I am just trying to figure out this magical potion that attracts something different than what I always have. I have read the self help, I have recognized the problem, but now, how is it that I apply the change and stop the 'rejection train' from continuing to pick me up.