Irony

I know that as soon as I put it out into the universe, the question of why people in society see the glass half empty, and why people choose pain over love and life, that I will for sure be tested in my own life. Here it is. I am sitting in a moment of sadness, pain and self loathing. Ok maybe not self loathing. Self pity may describe it better. I recognize what it is, but feel pain nonetheless. My whole life has been filled with a feeling of not being good enough. Craving for attention. Screaming to be seen.
I had a mother who chose depression over loving me, and a father who chose his son. I have tried and tried and tried my whole life to add up, to just be that person worth loving, worth adoring, worth fighting for.

I know I have developed codependent relationships in which I do and do and do, so much so that I wear myself out, and feel I end up at the short end of the stick. I end up, unloved, uncared for and abandoned.
I am confronted with myself, and trying to make my needs known. I have been given an outlet in which I can create, and use my creativity for healing, but this one topic is one that seems like a broken record. I have a headache from walking in to the same wall, over and over and over.
I have heard the word 'boundaries' for years, but have yet to apply it to my life. I often feel trapped inside myself and the lonely little girl inside me. I am unsure what it is that I do, to push away the people in my life and cause them to be selfish and self serving and in turn reject me, but there MUST be something I can do to change this.

I am the QUEEN of searching my soul, and desiring change, and wanting a more fulfilled life and happiness,.. I am just trying to figure out this magical potion that attracts something different than what I always have. I have read the self help, I have recognized the problem, but now, how is it that I apply the change and stop the 'rejection train' from continuing to pick me up.