In one month i have walked through a raging hurricane and back, out of control, spinning madly, tearing all of my clothes of and leaving me chilled to the bone,.. a shattered mess. My house in the sky like on the Wizard of Oz, and me trying to figure out this so called place called HOME, that I am sure I never knew.
One month since the last time I wrote a blog, I feel like I have been sent to the army, been trained up, went to war, saved a life, won a medal and graduated to my next position. I don't quite know that I am ready or able or equipped to move forward,... but I am going.
Boundaries!!! Feels like the WORD du jour! Here I am, challenged to make my life look different. Having gone through a shattered relationship has been the mirror to me of who I am, and who I can no longer be. Not because I am bad, or wrong or someone to be ashamed of,... but because there is a better me and a happier me waiting to experience life. Real Life. True Living.
For years upon years, I have built defenses and walls and reactions to survive the hurricanes of life, the moments the scare me, the things that make no sense and make me feel vulnerable. I've lived in a way that has exhausted me, chasing an endless rainbow and never reaching the pot of gold.
Codependency seems an embarrassing character flaw to admit to.,,. but the average person sitting in the bus next to us, is probably struggling too with the same fears, anxieties and habits, and likely not paying attention to or judging us, but living in his own world of self loathing and judgement... Its an ugly and deceiving path to walk, and clearly cannot give us the end result were are looking for,.. all these 34 years are proof of that.
Here I stand, on January 9th, 2011! (well I'm actually sitting)... Anyways, I want to commit this to be a year of self discovery and growth. Walking away from old survival modes, that DO NOT WORK! -- Its time to create and learn how to really live, to be free and to find and love ME.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Boundaries~
I have been reading this book about boundaries and the need for them in our lives and how the cause and effect of our childhood, either nurtures or shatters our ability to enforce them in our present adult lives.
Looking back on my childhood, I am beginning to see that these lessons were never taught. I was a lone ranger on my own, left out to meet the bears and wolves on my own and befriend them. A mother who abandoned, because of fear, and pain and self loathing depression and a father who did the same, in a different way, but treated his first born son like the heir to his masculine throne.
With no one protecting, rabid animals had easy prey and silently and secretively stole what wasn't theirs, like rabbits in a farmers field.
I have lived a boundaryless life, and have been fighting so hard and trying so hard to keep people loving me. I am exhausted now though,. it is time to live again. It feels like learning to breathe differently, and walk differently,.. and essentially, it is.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Irony
I know that as soon as I put it out into the universe, the question of why people in society see the glass half empty, and why people choose pain over love and life, that I will for sure be tested in my own life. Here it is. I am sitting in a moment of sadness, pain and self loathing. Ok maybe not self loathing. Self pity may describe it better. I recognize what it is, but feel pain nonetheless. My whole life has been filled with a feeling of not being good enough. Craving for attention. Screaming to be seen.
I had a mother who chose depression over loving me, and a father who chose his son. I have tried and tried and tried my whole life to add up, to just be that person worth loving, worth adoring, worth fighting for.
I know I have developed codependent relationships in which I do and do and do, so much so that I wear myself out, and feel I end up at the short end of the stick. I end up, unloved, uncared for and abandoned.
I am confronted with myself, and trying to make my needs known. I have been given an outlet in which I can create, and use my creativity for healing, but this one topic is one that seems like a broken record. I have a headache from walking in to the same wall, over and over and over.
I have heard the word 'boundaries' for years, but have yet to apply it to my life. I often feel trapped inside myself and the lonely little girl inside me. I am unsure what it is that I do, to push away the people in my life and cause them to be selfish and self serving and in turn reject me, but there MUST be something I can do to change this.
I am the QUEEN of searching my soul, and desiring change, and wanting a more fulfilled life and happiness,.. I am just trying to figure out this magical potion that attracts something different than what I always have. I have read the self help, I have recognized the problem, but now, how is it that I apply the change and stop the 'rejection train' from continuing to pick me up.
I had a mother who chose depression over loving me, and a father who chose his son. I have tried and tried and tried my whole life to add up, to just be that person worth loving, worth adoring, worth fighting for.
I know I have developed codependent relationships in which I do and do and do, so much so that I wear myself out, and feel I end up at the short end of the stick. I end up, unloved, uncared for and abandoned.
I am confronted with myself, and trying to make my needs known. I have been given an outlet in which I can create, and use my creativity for healing, but this one topic is one that seems like a broken record. I have a headache from walking in to the same wall, over and over and over.
I have heard the word 'boundaries' for years, but have yet to apply it to my life. I often feel trapped inside myself and the lonely little girl inside me. I am unsure what it is that I do, to push away the people in my life and cause them to be selfish and self serving and in turn reject me, but there MUST be something I can do to change this.
I am the QUEEN of searching my soul, and desiring change, and wanting a more fulfilled life and happiness,.. I am just trying to figure out this magical potion that attracts something different than what I always have. I have read the self help, I have recognized the problem, but now, how is it that I apply the change and stop the 'rejection train' from continuing to pick me up.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Bigger Picture
Why is it that people choose to live in darkness, and sadness, in lonliness and in pain. Why is it that the world has chosen war over peace and hatred over love. It just seems so basic and so simple to embrace love,.. almost like a no brainer, yet very few choose the path of least resistance. LOVE
I really am perplexed and saddened by the state of mankind. I feel it was both a blessing and a curse that I have had the ability from a very young age to see the 'BIGGER PICTURE' to know that for each action, there is a reaction. What I do today affects my tomorrow. -- This understanding really kinda sucked in my youth, mainly because I could never really fully engage in things that were 'naughty' because I knew what I was doing was wrong and there would be a consequence sooner or later. There were plenty.
I now see people who are hurting, broken, lost and empty. Relationships coming to an end like the plague are leaving people shattered and wounded, but rather than healing and restoring themselves, the average person seeks refuge in another wounded soul and recreates all the same dysfunctions yet again to an eventual similar ending.
I watch, I shake my head and feel exhausted at times at the breath I feel I sometimes waste, trying to encourage people to heal themselves, find themselves and love themselves. To choose forgiveness and accept the things they cannot change. -- I don't want to sound cocky or as though I know it all, I know that sometimes choosing this path is hard, but I was once told by my mentor. 'You can choose to walk the road that is hard, but will eventually become easy, or you can walk the road that is easy, but that road will eventually become hard"
The bigger picture, is seeing beyond what is before you in the present moment. More often than not, it is a difficult thing to do, especially when it hurts. If you understand that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and not the person whom you are forgiving, I find forgiveness becomes easier. Often the person you are forgiving may not even deserve your forgiveness. Choose to do so for yourself.
The biggest message I learned from the Dalai Lama was COMPASSION. In all things, in all situations. Compassion. Its a daily test for me, how I will react to people in all sorts of situations. It most definately isn't an easy one, but I have reaped some amazing benefits from my conscious efforts to choose love and in seeing and recognizing the bigger picture.
I really am perplexed and saddened by the state of mankind. I feel it was both a blessing and a curse that I have had the ability from a very young age to see the 'BIGGER PICTURE' to know that for each action, there is a reaction. What I do today affects my tomorrow. -- This understanding really kinda sucked in my youth, mainly because I could never really fully engage in things that were 'naughty' because I knew what I was doing was wrong and there would be a consequence sooner or later. There were plenty.
I now see people who are hurting, broken, lost and empty. Relationships coming to an end like the plague are leaving people shattered and wounded, but rather than healing and restoring themselves, the average person seeks refuge in another wounded soul and recreates all the same dysfunctions yet again to an eventual similar ending.
I watch, I shake my head and feel exhausted at times at the breath I feel I sometimes waste, trying to encourage people to heal themselves, find themselves and love themselves. To choose forgiveness and accept the things they cannot change. -- I don't want to sound cocky or as though I know it all, I know that sometimes choosing this path is hard, but I was once told by my mentor. 'You can choose to walk the road that is hard, but will eventually become easy, or you can walk the road that is easy, but that road will eventually become hard"
The bigger picture, is seeing beyond what is before you in the present moment. More often than not, it is a difficult thing to do, especially when it hurts. If you understand that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and not the person whom you are forgiving, I find forgiveness becomes easier. Often the person you are forgiving may not even deserve your forgiveness. Choose to do so for yourself.
The biggest message I learned from the Dalai Lama was COMPASSION. In all things, in all situations. Compassion. Its a daily test for me, how I will react to people in all sorts of situations. It most definately isn't an easy one, but I have reaped some amazing benefits from my conscious efforts to choose love and in seeing and recognizing the bigger picture.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Success~
Feeling Oh so inspired, I am going to attempt to write another blog. I am slightly couch ridden
due to a surgery I got for a new pair of..*ahem*..slippers. So as I sit here recovering, what better to do, than sit here and write.
I mentioned in the first blog that I had written, produced and directed a play. This play is called 'Beneath the Surface'. I am so pleased and feel so accomplished to have been able to pull something like this out of my hat and get it up in the air. Through Beneath the Surface, I was able to launch my company imagi'Nation and have great hope and vision in the possibilities to come. My dream with imagi'Nation is to use the Arts as a means of Healing.
Beneath the Surface was a story inspired by a young girl named Chasity, who took her life at age 14. The story uncovers all facets unseen by those in depression and despair. It reveals the story behind the story that sometimes never gets looked at, revealing the bigger picture.
I don't see myself creating fluff... I see myself changing lives... and creating pieces that invoke change!
So here is to another year of inspiration and success. Here is to creating a movement of life and love.
I will do my best to document it and keep tabs on all the greatness I behold.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Beginning and Karma
Hello Blog World.
It has been a long while since I have had a blog, facebook seemed to swallow up the masses with the purpose of 'connecting' however seemingly it has done quite the opposite. I figured it was time to share feelings again, and not through a status update, but through posts and stories. Poetry and writings, that come straight from the heart.
In blog land I am not worried if I have people 'liking' my blog, or even reading it for that matter. Its more of an outlet for my creativity,.. somewhat like a journal.
This year has been a fantastic year, I missed the opportunity to capture all of it in diary/blog form. Many fantastic events have taken place, from meeting the Dalai Lama to Writing/Producing and Directing a play about Suicide and Suicide Prevention and taking it on the road with 12 people. I have fallen in love, and someone is in love with me. I have quit smoking and can count on one hand how many glasses of wine I have had all year. I recently acquired a lovely set of *ahem*...... slippers ;)
I am a happy woman. I feel through the ups and downs of the past and the pain I have endured, from an unhappy marriage, a motionless career, and illness that won't go away,. that I have stepped up in the world. I believe in KARMA. I believe it because I practiced it in all I went through. I wanted to teach my kids love and forgiveness. I never spoke ill of their father nor did I take him to the cleaners to prove a point. I loved. Through the things that most people would choose hate, I chose the higher road. It wasn't easy, but I knew in the end, that KARMA would eventually do as Karma does. This year is living proof of that.
So now I begin again. Documenting my imagination's creations. (imagi'Nation is also the name of the company I launched this year with my play) Life is good, and it would be a shame to not have note of it somewhere.
over and out...
It has been a long while since I have had a blog, facebook seemed to swallow up the masses with the purpose of 'connecting' however seemingly it has done quite the opposite. I figured it was time to share feelings again, and not through a status update, but through posts and stories. Poetry and writings, that come straight from the heart.
In blog land I am not worried if I have people 'liking' my blog, or even reading it for that matter. Its more of an outlet for my creativity,.. somewhat like a journal.
This year has been a fantastic year, I missed the opportunity to capture all of it in diary/blog form. Many fantastic events have taken place, from meeting the Dalai Lama to Writing/Producing and Directing a play about Suicide and Suicide Prevention and taking it on the road with 12 people. I have fallen in love, and someone is in love with me. I have quit smoking and can count on one hand how many glasses of wine I have had all year. I recently acquired a lovely set of *ahem*...... slippers ;)
I am a happy woman. I feel through the ups and downs of the past and the pain I have endured, from an unhappy marriage, a motionless career, and illness that won't go away,. that I have stepped up in the world. I believe in KARMA. I believe it because I practiced it in all I went through. I wanted to teach my kids love and forgiveness. I never spoke ill of their father nor did I take him to the cleaners to prove a point. I loved. Through the things that most people would choose hate, I chose the higher road. It wasn't easy, but I knew in the end, that KARMA would eventually do as Karma does. This year is living proof of that.
So now I begin again. Documenting my imagination's creations. (imagi'Nation is also the name of the company I launched this year with my play) Life is good, and it would be a shame to not have note of it somewhere.
over and out...
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